Acorn May - Jokes

The Acorn

Jokes of the Month

FUNNY SIGNS
Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your
plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tyre shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optician’s office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a chiropodist’s office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a exhaust shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will
be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait”
Thanks to Andy Elcomb for the above contribution—ED

Thought of the Month
Time flies like the wind.
Fruit flies like bananas.

APOLOGIES TO ALL FARMERS…!
Mary's pigs had foot and mouth
'This crisis', cried she, 'Needs tackling
'Now all I've got is one black field
'And fourteen tons of crackling.…

BAD TASTE…!
Farmer Jones has got no sheep
Isn't life a drag?
Coz they're all burning in a field....
He's got nothing left to shag

JOKE BREAK
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, " Wedding cake!”

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The Acorn : May Edition

FUNNY SIGNS Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tyre shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an optician’s office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a chiropodist’s office: "Time wounds all heels." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a exhaust shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait” Thanks to Andy Elcomb for the above contribution—ED	Thought of the Month Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like bananas.
	APOLOGIES TO ALL FARMERS…! Mary's pigs had foot and mouth 'This crisis', cried she, 'Needs tackling 'Now all I've got is one black field 'And fourteen tons of crackling.…
	BAD TASTE…! Farmer Jones has got no sheep Isn't life a drag? Coz they're all burning in a field.... He's got nothing left to shag
	JOKE BREAK A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, " Wedding cake!”