It’s all official, women are worse drivers than men! I drive like a clementine and Dawn was born to truck!
What the hell am I on about? If you don’t know you clearly haven’t read the Editorial and therefore you are not fit to read this-go back and start again fools!
All I have to say on the matter is that the Army have better toys than anyone else and they let me play with one (under supervision from a rather fetching blonde!). Due purely to marking that was about as accurate as the refereeing in the England vs Brazil game, Dawn beat me.
Brooklands is in a very, very sorry state at the moment and I feel that something needs to be done. The whole place is rotting slowly and the only regular occupants are rabbits and mossy BMWs. I managed to take the Golf up onto the Byfleet banking round the back of the Kart track and my God was it bumpy up there! I couldn’t get into the high groove due to it being totally overgrown.
I’m sure Dawn has some pictures in here this month of the place, but it’s a truly tragic location.  Give me a few million and a free hand and I could make the most interesting race circuit out of the disused bits of tarmac that litter the place.
Speaking of old rotting venues, I was up at Crystal Palace the next day. Our old sprint area is looking rather nice barring of course that ugly bandstand / rust bucket thing.
I really don’t have much to say this month, apart from informing you all that the ‘A’ key on this keyboard is not quite right. What should I ramble, rant and whinge on about? Formula One – I normally chat a little about that. BORING. Oh and Rubens you suck-retire!
World Rally? Do all series have a self-destruct button when they reach critical mass, as this series is about to hit its own one. Group B was banned for being just too fast but WRC 2002 is faster than Group B. It’s gonna end badly – at this years RAC Rally of Wales.
Ah, something that really gets on my nerves, (apart from women drivers, the French, Rubens Barrichello and articles with no structure whatsoever, full of references to citrus fruit and small European countries) is the total inconsistency in road rally regulations. Dolphin MC’s recent 12-car (Wessex Rally) showed this, with seemingly constantly changing penalties to the point where we didn’t know or care about the consequences of cutting route (which we did, a lot!) Ah well we are thinking of doing the Drystone Rally up north but doubt we will. It’s a hassle to go that far. May as well go rallying in Lithuania. Rally Vilnius – Trabant class.
As you can see by now I really have nothing much to write about apart from whinging about a navigator who gets his left and right confused. Still he whinges about a driver who decides that yellows are whites and ignores them. My car is as filthy as an Amsterdam wench with an empty wallet and a millionaire, because the Wessex 12-car went down a great white (I'm not referring to copulative acts with fish here OK!). I think next year’s Kent should have some “timed to the second” white sections (special stages but not quite). I’ll see what Mr Chinnery reckons over a pint in the Bell sometime!
Here endeth the Student Bodies for this section of Acorn and is, as you have no doubt seen, a bit like a dirty sink-a ring of scum round the outside and nothing in the middle a description that in fact fits the Birmingham M6 quite well. We will now end the service in our time-honoured tradition; we will sacrifice a busty young virgin, in a giant wicker man.

Top Ten Great Things About Motorsport.

1. Nerds/Geeks
They occur fairly frequently at motorsport events, the high-octane version of train spotters. Watch at the next event you attend and you will see them in a huddle discussing compression ratios of an A series Trabant engine. No really!

2. Posing
Ah it’s very amusing to watch some of the richer competitors posing with their flash cars, and then parking the Golf next to them and start posing with the Golf! At a recent sprint, an Impreza owner washed his car in between runs, so I parked the Golf next to it and watched as years of dirt migrated onto the Scooby.

3. Listening to Max Power readers talking about motorsport
Now I know something similar to this made my worst things about motorsport list, but the boy racer brigade do cause me huge amounts of mirth as I see them trying to look cool in their day glow penis extensions. (Novas mainly)
-At this point I would like to point out my total distaste for readers of Max Power, and Revs, and Readers’ Wives. Buy some proper porn!

4. My Golf
This is so on the wrong list

5. Ferrari
Hello?

6. Noise
A 1970 Porsche 917 on the Mulsanne straight with Mr McQueen behind the wheel.

7. Smell
With the Festival of Speed coming up I look forward to standing in the paddock and smelling the air

8. Goodwood Festival of Speed
Without doubt my favourite event of the year.

9. Driving
Do I really need to explain?

10. Winning
Why is this only at 10? Well how often do I win anything? – this is only a guess.

Now I have to go because they are coming to take me away to the land of Scooby Doo.

COMING SOON……
Life from the Gravel Trap – an all-new column with less venom but more fun!

Sam Collins