Kitty Litter

I live as many of you know, in Beckenham, I work 21 km away in Teddington. On a good morning I can complete the journey within the duration of play in your average football match. However there are few good mornings.

There is one reason for this, my nemesis. My nemesis is a foe worse than irritable resident of Newcastle after a few bottles of brown. Far worse in fact than the combined forces of the Lithuanian angry farmers union, who are in fact one tractor short of a blockade and are rather angry about that.

No, this foe has a shadowy leadership, almost complete control over the mental condition of a large portion of London population and even have an inquisition-like body who prowl the land hunting for victims....

I am of course talking about the suburban railway network. Their first weapon is the ministry of misinformation. For example on one journey recently I was given 15 different reasons for my train’s delay. Starting with the old faithful non-reason that is: "The train is delayed due to the late running of another train", and building up to the frankly bizarre "possible fatality". Possible fatality? Are they not sure? When is fatality just possible? I've always seen it as being rather definitive... or were they just referring to the diagnosis of the railway network (or should that read Network Rail?).

Perhaps this was not in fact a reason for delay, but a warning. After displaying this odd message for a while the customer information screens reverted to speaking sense, and displayed in large letters... CUSTOMER INFORMATION SYSTEM. And that was it. Teddington seems as distant to Beckenham as St. Ives seems to Glasgow, and almost as adventurous.

But I'm being too harsh, there's a real sense of adventure in travelling by train these days. As teams of rally crews set off on the Plymouth - Dakar rally in £100 bangers in search of a great adventure, I settle down at Waterloo with a single to Guildford. I heard rumours of this promised land of a Guilded Sapphire estate, but knew that no man ever got past Worplesdon, which I swear is just a made up station anyway. If you are in search of adventure just head towards the station, I saw that Fiennes bloke buying a ticket to Southampton. That’s the last we shall see of him.

Driving is out of the question too, because if you do escape the Wandsworth one way maze then you'll be eaten alive by some new scheme to bankrupt every motorist in the UK.

Getting to work these days is getting increasingly difficult, cars are out, the trains are such a lottery that you may as well try to get to Cwmbran on a moped, so the only option left open is a personal helicopter. At least you wouldn't have to worry about your SORN, traffic jams or John Prescott. However there are downsides. 17 year olds might start buying up ex-Vietnam hueys, fitting chromed rotor blades, a couple of funny little blue lights on the front, and the ultimate folly plastic body kits that make it look like a cartoonish F15.

What a horrible thought that is. I was thinking about buying a push 'bike but the recent spate of two wheeled mishaps that have befallen the membership put me off. Do you know, I might walk to work in the summer see what that's like. 13kph!

I read with interest Adam Tait's suggestion of bringing Autocross back to Kent, great idea. A £150 banger can compete in Autocross without serious/any modification. I would suggest running a clubman section with class splits identical to those in class A of local speed series. Then run to standard Autocross regs, but with a bad boy open class for closed cars. Try and get some proper big bangers in.

It’s something I'd love to promote. I'd love to compete in too, but rather than running just two cars together - I'd run the maximum of four. I would say that though, I'm used to being in a pack of 30 odd nutters driving single seaters.

Be prepared for some serious fun, panel damage can occur, and Autocross is a rough playground. It should still be possible to drive to and from all the events in a class A car though. I'm well up for lining up in the Golf, to take on the Visa boy, Andy Watkins in the cheapest competition car in the UK, and Shed Peddler Elcomb.

Another dice to behold would be Steve Thompson to take on Chin in a Manta doubleheader. In fact, I'm well up for it so count me and a Golf in.

I've decided to stake my lot this year on finally running proper competition cars, not borrowed but my own cars. So with this in mind last year I made two rather interesting purchases. The first was a single seater and the other a sports car. This month I will tell you about the cars as I got them, then next Acorn I'll reveal the finished articles.

Rob Hume gave me a call a while ago and told me about an old kit car he had lying in the back of his shed. It was totally complete bar one small hydraulic pipe, though hadn't run for two years. I decided that the car was a good start for a multidiscipline competition car.

Rob's car started out life as a McCoy coupe, which in turn was a development of the Clan Crusader. Designed by Clan's designer Arthur Birchall, the Mac was also a very stiff glass fibre monocoque design. On this newer car an integral rollcage was added, the car was widened and given some aerodynamic tweaks.

The Clan rear engined (Imp) layout was dropped to be replaced by a front engine, front wheel drive layout. Those early cars were all fitted with 998cc A series units.

However the Mac was not really ever intended as a kit car, the 15 odd Mk 1 chassis were mostly built in the factory and sold complete. However one of the buyers decided that the lightweight 600kg car could be improved. So with the permission of Arthur Birchall Automotive he founded the McCoy motor company and built two development models. Both had styling and chassis changes, one was fitted with a Metro Turbo engine, the other was put together to show off the chassis and fitted at first with a 998cc A series. For a few years the car was used as a demonstrator with a selection of engines in it. When Rob Hume picked the car up it was less engine and transmission. He fitted a 1275cc A+ series engine of unknown origin and trundled about in it before falling for the Mallock.

So I got it. Realising that the car was made for modification I quickly dropped the McCoy moniker and re-named it, as I intend to go a bit mad with it. So from now on any unusual or unique car I run will be known as a North Kent Special or NKS for short. Each NKS will be named after a character from British mythology.

Shortly after getting the Mac I located a Mk1 Mac chassis that I intend to buy to develop as a sister car. Two twins. So the name is easy, the protectors of the city of London. Gog and Magog. So the cars will appear on entry lists as NKS 'Magog' and NKS 'Gog'. I plan to turn 'Magog' into the ultimate road/asphalt rally car, using a lot of circuit racing technology from the really great 750mc Sports 1000 series. I'm intending in 2005 to fit the car with a front mounted BMW K100 engine. Using parts from the Scholar 983S sport prototype racer, I'll link the propshaft to a Morris live rear axle. This should give the car a great power to weight ratio, ideal for rallying and sprints.

The next buy I made was prompted by Daniel Whittington. In a shed in Southampton a chap who had recently lost his job had the remains of an old Formula Vee in a heap. He put it up for sale reluctantly and I bought it. I intended to build it into an extreme road going racer again with a BMW engine, but a quick chat with Stuart Rolt revealed that the car I had bought was very famous indeed. Built in 1968 by Porsche Salzburg, the car was run as a works car for a currently unknown driver, (potentially though it could have been Niki Lauda!). Then in 1970 it was shipped to the UK for a young Derbyshire lad by the name of Brian Henton. He used the car to win the British Championship, after which he announced that within five years he would be the F1 world champ, and he did make it into F1 where he showed some promise.

The car was then passed around a bit until Alan Harding bought it and started racing it in the newly revitalised UK FVee series, and started to enjoy it. Alan founded AHS Mechanical to run a large number of UK spec Vee's and now manufactures the Challenger chassis. The car appeared on Top Gear beating a Ferrari 355 on a 0-60 race.

The car was sold and became lost. Until I found it. There are few remaining intact Austro-Porsche's in existence today, though there are literally hundreds of copies around, Finn Vau, Kaimann and Scarab to name a few. Of the known genuine cars there are just 6 or 7 around, all ranging from 1967 - 69 models. There is a pair in the Porsche museum collection, and with mine they are said to be the best examples.

I had better get on and put this plan together then!