Kitty Litter

I’ll start off with a bit of background. I live in Beckenham and twice a week I work in Oxford. There are three ways to make the journey; by train, by coach and obviously by means of my trusty (but not at all rusty) Golf. I started off travelling by train, I had planned to take the coach but it was the start of Wimbledon fortnight and it seems the whole perpetual tourist population was going, or in other words the bus was full. Return tickets to Paddington set me back nearly fifteen quid. Hmmm. The train itself wasn’t that bad, clean, fairly empty and not uncomfortable. Things went tits up when the train rolled me into Didcot and promptly got stuck. Now why is it that when a train gets stuck it does it somewhere like Didcot? For those who have never chanced to visit Oxfordshire’s scrotum, well done, keep it up. Or in other words avoid Didcot like you would avoid a randy overweight rugby playing Lithuanian bird in a seedy nightclub. Why is it that, with the price we have to pay to use the railways, that you always get stuck in a dive, Why not the Bahamas? Just please explain to me why it’s always Didcot or Reading…..which is where the train got stuck next!
I was sat behind some American tourists who were loudly searching for “Notting Ham” on the tube map as they had been told and I quote “a good market on Portaloo Road, like the one in Mary Poppins”. Someone it seems had been having a giggle at the gullibility of these colonials. Later on when the train had yet again got stuck, this time in the middle of nowhere, one of the quintet from the land of the free turned around and asked me if I was local. I had recently watched the League of Gentlemen on video and had a strong urge to ask if they knew Tubbs. I didn’t, as they wouldn’t have got it. Now I was sitting on this train wondering where I was exactly and being asked whether I was local. This was a bit odd especially if it was by someone who got on the train in the same place as you. It ceased being odd and became highly amusing when I answered letting on that I had lived in both Oxford and London, then they asked the most amusing question of all. Sitting on a delayed train stuck in the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields and trees this young American woman asked me if we were in London yet. Oh dear.
Finally after two hours we arrived at Paddington and was informed by a plasma screen that there were no services on the underground. I gave up, called a friend and we went for a beer. On the return journey I slept so there is not so much to say about that. On the bus from the station to my house an exceptionally drunk and even more exceptionally smelly tramp sat next to me. Yum!
Next up driving, simple. It took just under two hours, I had great music playing all the way and it was fun. The advantages of driving your car are that you don’t have to wait for it, it goes where you want it to, when you want it to (so the complete opposite of a girlfriend then) and best of all you don’t get smelly people sitting next to you (Oli does whiff a bit though).
Lastly I tried the cheapest method, using the coach. It’s half the price of the train, quicker and I got to sit next to a rather attractive American tourist and a couple of her mates. They seemed to be a bit smarter than the Virgin train-riding group. Although this group started chatting about how no one in “London, England” (they kept specifying as if one of them might get confused with London, Canada) really “pigs out” on pizza and ice cream and how they couldn’t understand why that was. I wanted to point out that it was because the USA consumes a third of the world’s food and don’t leave enough for the rest of us to “pig out”.
So I have drawn some conclusions from this experiment. Firstly American tourists are highly amusing, secondly trains are crap and only go to crap places. My final judgement? Take the coach. Why? Well you get American tourists to laugh at (or with?), it’s not too slow, cheap and best of all you can use it after a few beers. Why not cars? Well they seem too easy don’t they!

Spooning It

I am being forced out of speed events before I’ve really got started. The much rumoured and probable demise of class A0 will likely end my sprinting fun for a few years until I get a car good enough to compete. So why don’t I just jump into A2? Because my old 1595cc carb engine cannot compete with up to 2 Litre, modern, injected engines. Just read the numbers from Volkswagen and see my plight. On paper the EZ (1.6 litre) series VW engines as fitted to my Golf with the standard Pierburg carburettors puts out 75BHP. The 2000 spec Mk4 Golf 1.6 puts out 100BHP, the Mark 4 GTi (1.8) puts out twice the power of my old 1.6 but runs in the same class as my old Golf. Fair? I think not.
Tellingly the 2000 spec 1.4 engine puts out 75BHP the same as the old EZ 1.6. With the Mk5 Golf ready for action the power is bound to go up again. I think pre ‘92 cars should be able to downgrade a class so that the old A0 cars can jump into A1 where the cars have a similar output. I know what some of you are saying A0 is for budget cars of any capacity, well the bigger (and not exactly common) over two litre A0 cars can drop into A2 if they are under 2.5. If they are over that level, they will have the power to compete in A3.
Of course not every entry is a Golf but I’ve noticed that the Peugeot 106 GTi has 120 French horses under its bonnet, the 1.1 only has sixty but this shows you where engine technology has got to. Standard carburettor cars must have a dispensation in the standard classes otherwise you force them out of sprinting for good. Of course we are left with one course of action, to cheat. It looks more and more that I will too.

Spreading The Aggregate…..

The CAR pictured here is the Oxford Brookes university built Isis FS01. The car was designed and built entirely by students. The tub is carbon fibre and was manufactured at Arrows alongside a grand prix chassis for Jos Verstappen. Power and transmission come from a modified Honda 600cc-motorcycle unit. The wings are from carbon fibre and actually slow the car down due to the drag they produce. The drive shafts are also of carbon fibre.
The cars competitive debut came at the 2001 Formula student competition at the NEC, and it was put out by a component failure that would have been minor if it wasn’t for the car’s overly high tech construction. The car never competed again and was put out of use after its tub received terminal damage after being used as a test mule. Rumour has it the car cost the university over £15K; most universities spend just a third of that on their more successful cars. Perhaps Brookes would have been better off spending their money on a ‘Formula Honda design. The 2003 car is another carbon tub, Brookes it seems has not learnt its lesson.
Perhaps too the MSA need to look into running a series for these unique and interesting cars and adjusting the regulations to bring the cars in line with modern safety standards and to sensible applications. The current regulations are lifted directly from the US series which forces UK teams to take part in Solo 2 events.
The drivers of the cars hold no competition licences and run with brake lights. A lot money and time is being wasted.

Throwing Stones

These are the top ten greatest events of all, on what criteria do I base that? Events I really would sell my mother to drive in.

1. Safari Rally
This year’s European style event was still the most challenging event in the WRC and perhaps the last ‘proper’ rally left in that series. Car? Peugeot 206 WRC

2. Crystal Palace
Driving in an event on the old track is a thing I must do. Lotus 18 / My Golf

3. Le Mans
Kind of has to be on the list really. MG’s LMP 675 prototype

4. Nurburgring 24 hours
A 24 hour race on the greatest circuit in existence must be an amazing thing.  MG ZR 120

5. World Cup Rally
Andy Actman’s account of the WCR 2001 had me totally captivated and I really want to do this amazing event. MG ZR 120

6.    Gumball 3000
It’s an irresponsible, dangerous road race of borderline legality. Fantastic stuff! Ferrari 288 GTO

7. UK 500 or any banked race at Rockingham
The fastest race in England, I actually think that with a bit of coaching I could do well in an oval race.
2002 spec champ car

8. Pikes Peak
The race to the skies in one of those mad cars. Wow. That mad Toyota thing

9.   Goodwood Festival of Speed
Now a bigger event than Silverstone’s Grand Prix, the Festival is something special in motorsports and I need to be going up that hill.  Ferrari F-2002

10. Rally of Kent
My home event, I would love to do well on it.

The end of the lot!

Sam Collins