Acorn April - Joke Page

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, “but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

The husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage.

The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.

When George found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.......

Oil Changing Instructions for:
Women:

Pull up to Kwik Fit when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

Drink a cup of coffee.

15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a cheque for 50 quid for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

Open a beer and drink it.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

Give up and use crescent wrench.

Unscrew drain plug.

Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

Clean up.

Have another beer while oil is draining.

Look for oil filter wrench.

Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

Beer.

Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

Remember drain plug from step 11.

Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

Bang head on floor board in reaction.

Begin cussing fit.

Throw wrench.

Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

Beer.

Beer.

Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

Beer

Lower car from jack stands

Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

Drive car